Monday, 13 October 2014

Tinder Date...Gone Bad!

You have been talking for a week on Tinder. Tinder. Wow. What are you doing on this? You thought that you’d be able to find a man the traditional way. You know. Through friends, at the grocery store, in your class, at work. But no. You need to resort to an online app to find your match . You are trying to convince yourself that the stigma of "online dating is for losers" doesn't apply to you. Yet, you think you’re pathetic, and you try to convince yourself that this is the new normal and now that it has become so hard to find someone the good ol traditional way your parents met, we resort to online interaction. C'est la vie. Brilliant.

He seems nice. He has good conversation. He's text witty and not too “You are the most beautiful person on the Earth and I need to get to know you better”. He’s smooth, casual. So you decide that he’s decent enough to meet in real life. He’s your first. Tinder date that is.(How are you going to tell your children how you met if this works out?) Right now, you’re simply looking for someone to cuddle with on Netflix Fridays.

He asks you out for a drink or something simple. You accept. You set up at random day, a Tuesday. He doesn’t deserve Friday or Saturday yet. He asks you what you’d like, you laugh a little at all the funny places and things you 2 can do together, like pool and laser quest, and he finally tells you that he’ll text you on the morning of the day with the location. You’re kinda nervous. Meeting someone you have never met before is scary shit. Will he recognize you? Will it be fun? Who knows.

He texts you in the morning. Yes. You made the switch from Tinder to Texting. Some people like to switch to Facebook. But your Facebook is too private to populate it with Tinder people. You decide that you want to meet him there. Picking up from the house on day 1 with a Tinder date is just plain old creepy. It’s a bar you have been to before, it’s an OK choice.

You arrive early.

He’s there. Sitting. But. Is that him?

Damn it. You thought it would be best if you got there first, because then he needs to find you.

He looks nothing like this picture. At least 15 pounds heavier. Ok. You can deal with a little extra weight if he has the right personality.

You start talking. He’s a mute. He’s NOTHING like how the Tinder conversation went. He’s boring. You seem to be trying to make all the conversation. He talks about his cat. Oh shit. He has a cat. You hate cats. He tells you he’s allergic to peaches. Oh shit. You love peaches. You become boring, because he’s boring. And you see yourself becoming boring, talking about how you love the leaves in the Fall. Who doesn’t?

The menu is in front of you. You just want to order and get the hell out. He can’t seem to decide on the wine and can’t seem to pronounce anything properly. You decide you want a beer instead. He says LIKE a lot. "So I met this woman at the grocery store. Like the nicest lady I have ever met. So like I was talking to her at the cash asking her about her food choices. And she was like, yes I love to cook."

You're hungry. But, do you want to order food and be forced to spend more time with him? Yet you are starving and well it’s the first date, he’s supposed to pay. Right?

You get the waitress (even though you expected him to do that). You order your beer, you order your food. And then you stare for a little while before trying to find something that he would enjoy talking about until you can get the hell outta here. 


So. You talk about him. What does he like? What are his passions? Oh shit. He doesn’t have any, except for his cat. He takes out his phone to show you pictures. HOW DID THE CAT THING NOT ARISE DURING TEXTING? He works in IT, computer engineering or something. You don't really understand any of it. His breath smells weird. Does his eye twitch? He seems so infatuated with every word you have to say. You’d think you are some kind of goddess of life. Did he drink before coming on this date? He seems drunk already. Brilliant.

Food comes. YES! A burger is exactly what you needed. And beer. YES! Eat in silence.

Do you do the – “My mom just texted me, family emergency.”? Or do you toughen it out? You toughen it out till the end. It lasts an hour. You are close to shooting yourself for actually thinking this was a good idea.

The waitress asks how the bills should be split. He says 2.

2 bills. On a first date. Wow. Cerise sul sundae. 

Ok. Well. He must know how absolutely horrible the date is and doesn’t want to pay. You can't blame him. 

You pay your bill. With a WTF face.

He gets up. He’s 5’5. Nuff said. 

He's Tinder blocked. Phone number deleted. And you delete Tinder. Until you get bored again. Brilliant.


Have any crazy Tinder date stories? Share them in the comments!

(Another little fictional story for your entertainment, with bits of pieces taken from many stories. Just a way for me to write again without publishing anything about my life!!!)


Rami said...

I have a story from OkCupid. This girl rates my profile as 5-star. I have to check her profile out. I honestly like it. She seems smart, cute, funny, and a bit intellectual.
I was abroad; we've got in touch for a week. She's in arts, not my thing, but it can do. I’m up to exploring new topics. She has other interesting things I like in women. Long story short, we hit it off. I ask for her number and promise to call her once I get back in a couple of weeks.
I'm back to town, I call her. She doesn't answer. I think she's playing hard to get - and I hate this game, I get bored easily. However, a few days later, I decide to text her. She answers passionately, telling me she's just crossed the borders, and apologizing for not answering because she was in NYC. I was right I gave her another chance. She's a nice girl, I like nice girls. We fix a date.
I wait for her on the street to head together to the bar. Wow... She looks nothing like her pictures. She looks miserable. The least attractive woman one could meet. I say to myself maybe she has reasons. And she does, she tells me she came directly from work -art gallery- and she's heading back there. What?! Like my date was a work break for her?! I feel stupid. Calm down, you talked to this girl for a week. She must have a great personality. Date goes on. We walk into this bar. We order a drink. We talk. We order another drink. Conversation's getting worse and worse. I’m bored. I want to leave. She's clearly dull. I tell her I don't want to have a third drink, because I'm working tomorrow morning. She orders one more drink... and another one after that.
Then comes the interesting story of hers. She tells me how she went out once with a pervert. This guy she had a drink with at the bar then she invited over at 2 am. They talked for a while, then they were watching movie when he made a move on her. She didn’t want to have sex. She just wanted to have a conversation. She angrily threw him out in a freezing winter night.
What a pervert! How dare he do something like that! He tried to kiss a girl who invited him over, at 2 am, after a date together. He must have gone out of his mind. She just wanted to have a conversation. I wonder what she was doing all this time at the bar with him. That poor bastard, I can’t believe he’s not a mind reader.
I’m a speak-your-mind-and-go-your way kind of person. I tell her all this. She gets mad at me. I can see the hatred coming from her eyes and, weirdly enough, her nose. She doesn’t have a cute nose when she gets angry, like other women I met. I ask for the check. The waitress arrives: “One or separate bills,” she says. I look at her, look at my date, at the waitress again and say: “Separate, please.” And that was the only time I didn’t pay the check on a first date.

Natalie Courey said...

hahaha! Great story Rami!