Wednesday, 30 October 2013

It can be a long way home...

It was a stormy evening, rain gushed to the ground, thunder and lightning kept all the children awake grabbing on to their teddy and we sat in the dark, listening to the rain fall. The silence was peaceful, all tears had fallen and we needed a break. The silence we shared must have lasted 30 seconds but felt like a lifetime.  I had poured out my heart, and you just sat there, silent.

As joyful moments played in my head, as evenings in the park playing on the swings, just the two of us like we were the only 2 in the world were part of my fondest memories, they were slowly disappearing, slowly becoming part of a past I never wanted to think of anymore. I could still smell your cologne on my sweater, still feel your touch on my hand, still hear your laugh that seemed to make everything better. I didn’t want to remember any of it. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and stay there, stay put and never open my eyes. When did it all go wrong? When did the laughs turn in to arguments, and the smell become nothing but an odor I had once known and had wanted on my pillow every waking moment.

As I dragged myself out of the room, and back into my car. I took the long way home, through the city, through different towns. I wasn’t ready to be home yet. Before I left, I turned to say good bye to a life I had once always wanted, to a life I never wanted to see again. I knew I was doing the right thing. I knew this is what I needed to do to ultimately be happy.

 They say – if you are strong enough to say good bye, you will be rewarded with a new hello. In my mind, that day would never come. But as of now, I needed to be sane again. I needed to breathe again. I was lost. I needed to me again.

We easily get lost in patterns and routine and find it quite hard to find our way back. It may take months, years, a lifetime to finally know and understand who you are. You make mistakes. Fall for people that aren’t right for you and continually search for that right person you can share your love with. I speak for myself when I say that I have so much love to give and waiting for the right person to give it to. But in the mean time, we stumble. We learn. We forget our priorities. We forget what we stand for, just for that moment of love. This is when I see so many women in tough situations, with people that aren’t right for them just because they want to love and want to be loved in return.

The funny thing is that...

Love is just part of the equation. Love is the glue but you need the right pieces of the puzzle to keep that glue strong, or else one day, with too much friction, with 2 pieces of puzzle don’t really fit, the glue will come undone (like my metaphor? Yeah. I am not too sure either.. but you get where I’m going). 

The quest for this match can be quite tough, but what I’m slowly learning is that it isn't a quest at all when you have really found the love inside you. I might repeat this on a regular basis. And don't get me wrong, I know it sounds cheesy as heck. But I guess I need to remind myself of it sometimes too. Being lost, forgetting who we are, and forgetting what we stand for is all part of the process into ultimately becoming the real person we are meant to become.

I believe that some paths take longer. We hit the detours, we take the wrong way, we take the scenic route home, driving through the city, stopping by dangerous cliffs, hidden streets, dark alleys but ultimately we do find it. You might get into an accident, but think of it as a good thing. A thing that that will allow you to put yourself right back where you should be going! Thank that damn person that hit you. They did it for your own good. 

Ask for a lift, get back on the right path and finally be able to say : HONEY! I’M HOME!

N


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