|Being alone is hard to portray unless it's a selfie. But this was the best I could do! (And yes its me!)|
As a teen and early 20s, I never really understood the need for time on my own and always made sure to be busy every single night of the week. Of course, when I was in school, I wasn't allowed to do much at night, but I always met up with friends at cafes to "study". Yeah you know what I'm talking about. Those "studying" days at the cafe where the only studying that was being done was looking at the boys, studying the gossip of the week and sometimes studying for that International Affairs class I had. Maybe.
My alone time was when I was sleeping. And even at that, I would text, call or chitchat with friends until I couldn't keep my eyes open. I never truly enjoyed the time I spent alone.
I wrote a post not so long ago about staying home on Saturday nights, how I felt I might be missing out on something, on meeting someone, that that ONE night missed could have costed me a boyfriend, an interesting person that I could have met, a wild night out with tons of fun dancing. And also, I taught myself to never say No. N. Wanna come meet me for drinks? Sure. N. Wanna have dinner tonight?. OK. I never refused an opportunity to be out and about. I always felt like meeting new people and building relationships. But, was I really building relationships or was I just getting to know more and more people. Most are fun acquaintances or contacts that I may turn back to in the future, so no, I don't regret running around all the time.
But I look back now, and what do I have. What has this brought me? Acquaintances Yes. Everyone that introduces me to someone is like: Wait. You don't know N.? Come on. Everyone knows N. Do I feel a sense of pride when I hear that? You would think so. And for some time I did. I was like. Yeah. Everyone likes me. And so what? Now, all I am doing is trying to find who I really am, and make damn sure I like me.
The older I get, the more I realize how important quality is over quantity. How time spent, should be spent with people that bring you good, bring you something positive. But it should also be spent really focusing on yourself. Quality alone time, or real quality friend time.
As I sat at 2 of my friends birthday parties in the last 2 weeks, we were about 5 people around the table (more or less). Those 5 people are girls that I grew up with, that I went to my first parties with, that I talked about sex with for the first time. They are girls that I can lean on, get dressed in front of, that I can see without having taken my shower or brushed my teeth (Eww. I know. But you get the point). I can be ridiculous with them, be stupid, be silly. I can be myself and lately that's what I have been striving to do, always be myself.
And funny enough I felt that I had drifted out of the group. I didn't know if I belonged there anymore. Yes, we grew up together, but I have spent so much time running around with so many different people that I felt like I had neglected some great moments of building relationships with these girls. Yes, we are different. But I feel a connection to them that is so grand, they know me so well.
They are my core. And this woke me up.
Yes, it's normal to drift away from old friends, but the ones you want, you make damn sure to keep them. And I felt like I was losing them.
And don't get me wrong, I have met some other amazing friends along the way. They know who they are. They are the ones I text Good Morning to, they are the ones that I spend hours listening to when I know they aren't feeling well and I want to be there for them, they are the ones that I spent one on one time with and that we can laugh for hours, or even gossip for hours (hey. I am not perfect!) I do have good friends. Not many. But good ones. These are ones that I want to keep on nurturing.
Slowly but surely, I am trying to refocus. Prioritize my mind, my time and my happiness. I am starting to put that emphasis on quality vs quantity. Running around was fun. But now is a time to build those bonds that hopefully will last forever.
I am also learning about quality time with myself and learning to enjoy my time alone. Those moments when I come home, turn on some Erykah Badu, pour myself a glass of wine and watch a random DVD that I rented from the library are priceless. Don't judge. I don't have Internet nor cable ;)
I wanted to share this very real story about me, because I know that many of you are probably going through the same process. Redefining the people in your life, redefining the person you are. We are all searching for our place in this world, and let me tell you, you aren't alone :)