Monday, 22 July 2013

The men we love, hate and can’t live without

Like seriously the best quote ever.
It would be safe to say that all women have come across a man in their lives that has made them think, do, react in ways only crazy people do. We love them, we hate them but we can’t live without them! And no matter how much we know we are being so ridiculous, we can’t help but stay in the situation that we are in, feel the way we feel, suffer the way we are suffering. In these cases, your brain takes the back seat and your heart is on full speed, driving down the Autobahn like a boss, waiting to get into some kind of accident.

I sympathize with you women because I am just like you. I might be great to sit here and sometimes try to advise you on what are the best decisions to take, whether it’s not to settle, to be happy before you can be happy with someone, or to drop it like it’s hot when you feel disrespected – but let me tell you, when it comes to matters of the heart, of my own heart, my heart can be stupid as shit, and all the right ways to think are thrown out the window.

We all have our reasons to accept weird man behavior, and have reasons to stay around them. We keep the hope alive. Hope that he will come around, change, because he has so many other great things to offer, right? I think we each have that little voice inside of us that says – WOMAN. Get the F*&% out. But we like what we can’t have, we like the men that drive us crazy, that make us run a little, that don’t give it all. The ones we need to work for…

Without giving out too many details of my own private life – I too got hooked and for those that may have been following my blog for a while would remember a big heartbreak I had a couple years ago – He Taught Me To Be Stronger.

I also got hooked more recently and had been fighting to move on for quite some time. There were so many signs from the beginning that this was something I needed to stay away from, but I jumped in anyways. My heart took over and my brain was left on the side of the road. I believed in something more, I believed that I needed to go right to the end of it, to see what this was all about. And that's exactly what I did. I did everything in my power to get him. I did it blindly.

I overlooked the big challenges, the rough beginnings, the drama, the things I didn't like about him, the way I felt. My friends were telling me that I had lost my sparkle, that sparkle was like my mojo and I felt I had lost it when he came into my life. I was so concerned, so insecure, so worried that I just stopped being me, and started to become this morbid version of myself that people around me were slowly realizing. I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't thinking like me anymore.

I overlooked anything negative (even though there were a few things that didn't quite work right) and I went forward with my heart, hoping for a better outcome, hoping for that romantic love story with a man that had swept me off my feet. With these blind eyes, I kept the hope alive that he would fall, that he would look at me with googly eyes, that he would want me and only me. But as time went by, this idea was slowly becoming a fantasy. And I stayed around him even though I knew he didn't want anything more, but mostly because having him in my life was much better than not having him at all. However, I realized how much this was hurting me and my best solution was to completely let go and get happy again. The number of times my friends tried to step in and shake me and tell me N. What are you doing to yourself? Oh I knew what I was doing to myself, I knew I was going to get hurt, I knew it all. But I was hoping. Blindly hoping - wanting my own fairy tale.
  
I realized that the article I had written about being stronger - I hadn't put any of it into practice. I returned to square one with him, dealing with the same issues I had dealt with back then. Had I not learned anything? Had I really failed my test again? Well yes I did fail the test, but I learned so much. This man has taught me so much, more than he knows. That will probably be for another post! And that's what these experiences do, they teach us. It's important to figure out that lesson and try not to repeat it. Because that's how life works - they send you a series of tests that you need to pass, and if you fail, they send you the test again! I'm sure I will be faced with this test again, and hopefully the next time around I will have the tools to pass it with flying colors!

You read this, and you could think: ah what a jerk, what a retard, what a ****. We are quick to blame the men – OH THE ASSHOLE. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes he really is the asshole and I give you full liberty to scream it out loud on all rooftops. But we should be the ones to blame too in this, because we are accepting something that we shouldn't. We underestimate how freaking AWESOME we are and that we don’t need anyone making us feel shitty. We need to use our heads a little – put that heart in the back seat and make rational decisions for our own happiness.

My mom always told me : N. you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. And she’s damn right. I am damn amazing. You are all damn amazing. We deserve the world, we deserve a pure and good love, we deserve it all and we better not forget that! 

N.