OK so on to the juicy stuff. As promised yesterday, I decided to write a piece on commitment phobes. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, I know a few personnaly. It just so happens that the 2 most important men in my life are commitment phobes. It also just so happens that I love both these men very much (well not IN love, but LOVE) so I will try to be as nice as possible.
I have come to realize that there are certain types of girls that are attracted to commitment phobes. I have to say that I have never been quite the type attracted to that type of man. I usually try to stay away...but I guess sometimes things don't always work out the way you want them to. It's actually very hard to stay away from a commitment phobe because they seem to be so endearing at the beginning. They sweep us off our feet with their charm and humor. They seem to know exactly what to say, how to act and how to make us feel like the most amazing woman that has ever lived. BUT, as soon as we seem to show a bit more interest, willing to want to be in a real relationship, or willing to get married...those red lights come out and mysteriously, that man who thought we were so amazing doesn't think or show it as much as he did, he seems to call less, give less gifts, shut down communication. We don't know what happened? And we can't seem to understand how this COULD happen? But he seemed SO INTO ME! But it was going so well! What went wrong? Well let me tell you what went wrong... he got a case of the commitment phobia! Too much for him to handle.
Before actually writting about this, I decided to research the subject a little. I didn't only want to use my own personal experience, but also learn about other peoples experiences with commitment phobes. I wanted to get to the root of the problem and actually understand what was going on in a man's head. I must say, my most interesting find was on Wikipedia!
"Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married, yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain longlasting connections. Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitmentphobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.
The key to understanding commitmentphobia is recognizing that such behavior is rooted in fear—fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitmentphobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped forever with no means of escape. "
Quite interesting! It opened my eyes to a lot. It made me understand a little more the "phobes" behavior and why they might act this way. Of course, I'm sure each "phobe" has their own personal reasons why they might be scared, it may have been a previous devastating relationship, or a new found confidence or another hurtful or hard moment they lived through.
I think the best way for us girls to react to this type of situation is to think of it as a learning experience and to move on to someone who will actually want to commit to us and want to build something that will last.
I know we aren't robots and we can't turn on and off. After being with this type of man, that provides you with everything your little heart desires, except of course for the most important thing - a real mature commitment, it's not easy to just jump into something new. And if you do just jump into something new, beware. Beware that you aren't just trying to meet your needs, or find the missing piece to your previous puzzle, but that you are actually investing in something BETTER. Someone that can provide all the fabulous things this other commitment phobe provided ALONG with commitment. Remember my previous post - NO SETTLING. Just because we can't have the man we thought we wanted, it's not time to SETTLE for someone else just to replicate feelings you might have felt previously.
And if ever we do find someone new who is willing to commit...Will this new found relationship last until marriage? Who knows. Too early to think of that. There really is no rush. If that happens, well OK, and if not, well on to meet someone else... We have to stop thinking we are such in a big rush to live the rest of our lives. If we marry older, so be it. If we have kids a little older, so be it. We need to learn to accept the cards that are delt for us and not try to steal the pack from the dealer in order to make our own combination.
I finish with words of wisdom from my previous post "Words to Live By" - in the Serenity Prayer, it says "PATIENCE FOR THE THINGS THAT TAKE TIME".
Love might take time, and I think we just need to let it take its time. And I hope that for the commitment phobes, you learn to lose your fear and that you do find a true and pure love you will want to commit to. One that is worth losing all the potential other women you might meet, one that is worthy to last long enough to build something strong.