Thursday, 25 November 2010

Commitment phobes : EXPOSED!

Hello everyone! I hope your day is going well! If you are in the same city as me, boy is it cold! Heater is on, wool on my back, winter coat, scarf and gloves waiting for me. I'm prepared. Bring it Winter. BRING IT! Aw who am I kidding? I'm not made for this weather. With my mediterranean blood, I shouldn't be living in this climate.

OK so on to the juicy stuff. As promised yesterday, I decided to write a piece on commitment phobes. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, I know a few personnaly. It just so happens that the 2 most important men in my life are commitment phobes. It also just so happens that I love both these men very much (well not IN love, but LOVE) so I will try to be as nice as possible.

I have come to realize that there are certain types of girls that are attracted to commitment phobes. I have to say that I have never been quite the type attracted to that type of man. I usually try to stay away...but I guess sometimes things don't always work out the way you want them to. It's actually very hard to stay away from a commitment phobe because they seem to be so endearing at the beginning. They sweep us off our feet with their charm and humor. They seem to know exactly what to say, how to act and how to make us feel like the most amazing woman that has ever lived. BUT, as soon as we seem to show a bit more interest, willing to want to be in a real relationship, or willing to get married...those red lights come out and mysteriously, that man who thought we were so amazing doesn't think or show it as much as he did, he seems to call less, give less gifts, shut down communication. We don't know what happened? And we can't seem to understand how this COULD happen? But he seemed SO INTO ME! But it was going so well! What went wrong? Well let me tell you what went wrong... he got a case of the commitment phobia! Too much for him to handle.

Before actually writting about this, I decided to research the subject a little. I didn't only want to use my own personal experience, but also learn about other peoples experiences with commitment phobes. I wanted to get to the root of the problem and actually understand what was going on in a man's head. I must say, my most interesting find was on Wikipedia!

"Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married, yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain longlasting connections. Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitmentphobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.

The key to understanding commitmentphobia is recognizing that such behavior is rooted in fear—fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitmentphobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped forever with no means of escape. "

Quite interesting! It opened my eyes to a lot. It made me understand a little more the "phobes" behavior and why they might act this way. Of course, I'm sure each "phobe" has their own personal reasons why they might be scared, it may have been a previous devastating relationship, or a new found confidence or another hurtful or hard moment they lived through.

I think the best way for us girls to react to this type of situation is to think of it as a learning experience and to move on to someone who will actually want to commit to us and want to build something that will last.

I know we aren't robots and we can't turn on and off. After being with this type of man, that provides you with everything your little heart desires, except of course for the most important thing - a real mature commitment, it's not easy to just jump into something new. And if you do just jump into something new, beware. Beware that you aren't just trying to meet your needs, or find the missing piece to your previous puzzle, but that you are actually investing in something BETTER. Someone that can provide all the fabulous things this other commitment phobe provided ALONG with commitment. Remember my previous post - NO SETTLING. Just because we can't have the man we thought we wanted, it's not time to SETTLE for someone else just to replicate feelings you might have felt previously.

And if ever we do find someone new who is willing to commit...Will this new found relationship last until marriage? Who knows. Too early to think of that. There really is no rush. If that happens, well OK, and if not, well on to meet someone else... We have to stop thinking we are such in a big rush to live the rest of our lives. If we marry older, so be it. If we have kids a little older, so be it. We need to learn to accept the cards that are delt for us and not try to steal the pack from the dealer in order to make our own combination.

I finish with words of wisdom from my previous post "Words to Live By" - in the Serenity Prayer, it says "PATIENCE FOR THE THINGS THAT TAKE TIME".
Love might take time, and I think we just need to let it take its time. And I hope that for the commitment phobes, you learn to lose your fear and that you do find a true and pure love you will want to commit to. One that is worth losing all the potential other women you might meet, one that is worthy to last long enough to build something strong.



Anonymous said...

Hey! This is great!! Alright, here is what I think; as a commitment phobe myself, I think that it is easy to advise people to turn away from commitment phobes. If this is a real fear, I think that you should dig a little deeper and try to identify useful advises both for commitment phobes on "How to get over the fear" and for those in love with them; " How to help a commitment phobe to get rid of its phobia". That would be useful though it would demand even more psychologic deepeness. As far as I am concern, I know that my fear comes from somewhere and if I had the coice I would love to get rid of it, I am just not certain how to. Perhaps one day I will also meet someone who is scared of commitment and that day I will appreciate to know how to help someone else; someone I may fall in love with. So here are just some thoughts, basically I would like to know more about the issue and believe that it could be good subjects for your next interviews. Looking forward to read more !

N. said...

Thanks for your great insight! I will make sure to analyze this theme a little more. My commitment phobe friends also believe that there is another side to the story. It's true. It's easy to tell someone to NOT FALL for a commitment phobe, but I guess sometimes it's stronger than us. Stay tune for some more commitment phobe insight! Thanks for reading :)

Anonymous said...

Great post. Do you have anymore insight? Five months ago my commitmentphobic ex broke up with me after a year. I'm still devastated. I have read hundreds of books and articles on this fear, gone to therapy and doing my best to pick myself up. I miss him terribly and I am still depressed. I am his longest relationship.He has a poor dating history, verrry short relationships ( a few months) and we have had a long history of attraction toward each other. I'm 31 and he's 37. We dated once when I was 22. Something keeps bringing us back together. I finally thought our timing was right to stay together. Although I never brought up marriage or kids, he sabotaged the relationship and checked out. Now especially at my age (and his), my dreams of marriage and kids with him are shattered. I feel like he is a complete stranger now. We aren't even friends. Any advice that I haven't heard before? Seriously I've spent 5 months reading every article and forum just trying to understand his psyche.

N. said...

Dear Devasted, I will write a new post about this and open it up to my fellow readers. Maybe they will have more insight than me! Hope this will help you. Hope you can move on and know that it's not you the problem, but him.

James said...

Why do you think commitment phobes fear love and connection? We just don't want to commit. Commitment is essentially an agreement to hang together even if the relationship gets lousy, or you change and want something else. It is an agreement to give up value. And especially when it comes to marriage and men, there are good odds it is an agreement to get shafted down the line. It is purely rational. Why commit?

Anonymous said...

Leidy says:

Hello everyone. Being a female, I have to admit that I have a commitment phobia. Case in point. I am a widow and DEATH did do my late husband and I apart, since he is dead, gone & buried 6 feet under. Did I hate my late husband? Was he an ogre, a control freak, manipulative? On the contrary, I miss him dearly to this day, cause I feel that my soul mate is gone from my life.

Now here's the Aha moment, and why I shy away from the words marriage and commitment when a guy pesters me about those things. During the course of our marriage, I was obligated to take care of everyone until they departed from my life & moved on or until their demise, making sure they were properly cared for & kept comfortable.

So in essence, marriage to me = Responsibility (or caring for another which spelled HEAVY Burden) + Commitment (HEAVY Burn Out)!!! I didn't have the luxury of a Down Time, Me Time, Alone Time Rest & Relaxation. No respites. No vacations. No time outs cause I had to do what I had to do to take care of loved ones. I forgot what holidays were like, as they just became one bleak day after another.

So this time, I just want a relationship were I want to love & be loved. Just take care of me; this time, it is all about me and I do the things that feels wonderful for myself. No pressures, no dramas, no hassles, no time constraints.

If a guy fences me in, shouts at me, becomes too clingy or needy, I bolt and walk out, never to return. The freedom to come and go as I please and pursue the things I wasn't ever able to do which helps me to grow, the life I had separate from my future potential man even before we met, these things I'd love to continue w/o being accountable to him for my every little movement is what I wish to do. It isn't much to ask, is it?

That is my take on things. I know what I want and need in life. I just haven't found what a guy truly wants in life, then so be it. Not in a hurry at all. As I find way too many guys find me sexy and alluring, they constantly knock on my front door begging to be penciled in for a date, which mystifies me. Following me around like puppy dogs, everywhere I go, lol... and here's the real Caveat, the strange part, by the way. I have never been divorced, so I have to say I can't relate as to why so many people do get divorced!!! Go figure.

Hope that these honest revelations are a help or boon as to why, in my humble opinion I have become a commitment phobe, so to speak. I wish everyone well in whatever endeavors they undertake.

Natalie Courey said...

Wow Leidy - thank you for sharing your thoughts on commitment phobia... You show a lot of strength and now what you want when you walk out on these men who don't treat you well. I think it's something to aspire to. Good luck on your search for a good, sane and pure relationship. All the best! Natalie